Posted by: Corey Alexander | February 23, 2014

Responding to Relationship Stress

The Seven F’s: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Faint, Fun, Fix and F@*%

Our teachers in school told us that humans only have two responses to stress (fight or flight). But, I consider that there are actually seven! I’ll list what I think they are and then I’ll elaborate on just the last one.

To “Fight” would be meeting opposition with opposition. For example, yelling back / lashing out at someone when surprised or offended. (“Well, I think you’re a jerk!”) Sometimes it can take the form of “building a case” verbally against another person.

A “Flight” is to run away, to abandon the field or to “bail”. The acronym “FEAR” relates to the phrase “F#%* Everything And Run” (or it can refer to the opposite choice of “Face Everything And Recover”, which would relate to my last “F”).

To “Freeze” is to become emotionally paralyzed. As in not knowing what to do next and so doing nothing. This can occur when we have too many choices to sort out easily and so become “stuck” in indecision. It can also occur when we are re-traumatized by an event.

To “Faint” is to collapse into self-pity or apologizing/ whining. We’ve all seen the person who blames others or external circumstances to validate why they can’t take action for themselves. They may simply isolate and withdraw from conflict as well.

What I mean by “Fun” is to respond to interpersonal stress by joking or otherwise making light of something that is worthy of honest attention and dignity. This type of relationship avoidance can feel very dishonoring.

I apply the term “Fix” for the response of immediately trying to make you and/or others feel better. This person views the situation or emotion as a problem to which reasoning or an immediate offering of some type can quickly resolve. This person is often an “advice-giver”.

Lastly, to “Fuck” (for the purpose of this article) is to engage life on life’s terms, to dive in and “go for it”. You would have the attitude of “let’s wrestle with our difficulty and engage what’s real and penetrate the center of what is happening”. “Let’s play in possibility and embrace what is” is another attitude example.

When strong emotions arise there is a purity of need under the outward expression. In compassionate communication we try and identify the need of the other person in order to reach empathy for them within ourselves. We are connected to other people by our needs and that engagement fosters understanding. Feeling our own needs and reaching for connection is an evolved way of living a hero’s journey.

The first five responses are symptomatic of being “off” or not connected with my own center. Ideally, I would rather center myself (connect inwardly) because I want to act in congruence with my core values, my essence who I really am and I want to show up for my partner and myself as integrated with my values. As I gain in skill this connecting happens more and more rapidly.

I also do want my woman bring me her pain so I can feel her. Her feeling less than happy is need-to-know information for me. I can dig down into myself and feel her beautiful need and connect with her / dance with her struggle. We learn about our power and our own essence by doing this.

So next time there is relationship tension observe your response and see if you can shift into a willingness to engage and embrace what is up. Be fearless and honest with yourself. Perhaps you’ll end up sexualizing the issue? As long as it is making love with the texture of what’s real rather than a palliative effort. Surprise your partner and go for it!

Posted by: Corey Alexander | October 18, 2013

Giving Good Phone

Phone conversation is a crucial element to building feeling and sexual charge between couples. While not necessarily thinking ahead to a sexual reward we’re ideally building a love connection with each interaction. Ideally, foreplay is a constant (rather than an event). One of the main things that a woman wants most from her man is presence. We could go into various reasons why and instances where it matters, but for now let’s just look at how we can have a skillful and gratifying telephone interaction.

When my woman phones me I’m best served to assume a desire for reassurance is built-in to any request for information. Whether consciously or not, she wants to feel that love is alive between us. Due to “caller id” she knows that I know it’s her who’s ringing my phone so how I answer sets an immediate tone.

I know (because I asked) whether she wants to hear a term of endearment or her name when I answer the phone. A conscious breath just before I pick up helps me transition my attention to her so that she hears a pleasing tone in my voice. If it isn’t a good time for me to talk on the phone we’re both better off if I pick up and let her know that, at this moment, I don’t have the space for an involved talk, but I’m glad to hear her voice and can arrange a time to talk later. If I have a pressing issue or if something requires my steady focus it’s better if I let the call go to voicemail.

The importance of directly speaking to feelings is critical over the phone since eyes and other body language is excluded (obviously). So I may tell her how the sound of her voice affects me or that I’m thinking of how beautiful she must be at this moment. If she is speaking about feelings then I will respond to what she just expressed before talking about anything else.

Whether talking “business” or talking about intimate subjects like love, desire and dreams we’ll do well when it’s clear to each of us which purpose this call is serving at a given moment and it’s helpful to have formal transitions. Saying, for instance, “Honey, I’m enjoying our talk/connection and I need to change the subject to address some other things. Do you need anything else before we change gears?”

Then there’s the purely erotic phone call. The more you know what you like and can own it, the more “sexy” it can be. Don’t you think more detailed the fantasy, the more interesting it will be to both of you? “Oh yeah baby, I’ll come home and you’ll do me” is much less captivating then “When I walk through the door I want you wearing a short skirt and no panties and you’re going to be in the laundry room pretending that you haven’t heard me enter the house. I’ll see the light on and find you there. I’ll say your name in a deep voice and …” You get the idea!

At the end of the conversation, I try to leave my beloved with a sense of what’s in my heart. Extra points get awarded for speaking to feelings and needs while offering acknowledgment and understanding.  As long as I am really present with my attention and listening, my best self shows up to the phone call!

Posted by: Corey Alexander | January 31, 2013

The Beauty of Older Women

A smile comes easily to her expression and her eyes shine with light. She speaks her feelings with directness and astuteness. She carries herself with confidence and dignity. Her beauty and her personal power are interwoven. People will comment that there’s a radiance or “glow” about her. Perhaps it has to do with deepening into self-acceptance and choosing to live as love? Whatever the reason, we can notice it if we stop to look. We’ve all seen her – in the media she’s sometimes referred to as the “sexy-over-50” woman.

Of course we all understand that radiance is not age-dependent. For me, sexy has to do with an openness and flow of energy more than “parts” or looks. It’s less about years and more about how a person lives inside their own skin. It’s about how sure they are of who and what they are. A smile can be sexy. A confident, knowing smile is more sexy!

Older women have done so much – raised a family or grown a business, perhaps seen parents age, for example. This matures anyone and these experiences help us figure out what works for us and what doesn’t. I like to feel that my woman has chosen me from a deep, self-informed place. Often there is a “softening of spirit” in a woman which enables a quality of profound devotion. The Great Clock of life is ticking for all of us and as we get older the attitude of “carpe diem” (or “carpe noctem”) takes on increased relevance.

Nothing in this article is meant to imply that younger women aren’t attractive and great to be with! However, a young, physically attractive woman who is guarded or manipulative with her sexuality is far less sexy than an older woman whose energy flows easily. The woman who offers her heart opened wide and allows pleasure to move her is stunning to be with. In my experience, every woman is radiant when she accesses her pleasure and her joy. Awesome radiant love that yearns to express is what each woman is at her core. We do well to acknowledge her in our hearts as love and as latent devotional trust.

Beauty is something I see and radiance is something I feel. The kind of beauty I refer to comes from fine proportion and form. Radiance is a glow that warms my spirit in a similar way as the sun warms my body. I’m not fundamentally different than other men it’s just that I’ve been exposed to the sheer, uninhibited pleasure and power of the goddess and it awakened great joy in me.

The woman who has spent decades yearning for a trustable, present man with whom to offer her full devotion is less inclined to settle for less than someone who is deserving of her deepest heart. The woman who brings her own deep pleasure as a gift for her beloved to feel, worship and behold–such a woman is agelessly sexy. She can serve without demeaning herself. She presents herself as a devotional gift. A woman like that will rise into love with her chosen intimate partner rather than “fall in love”. Each person in that partnership can inspire the other to bring forth the best of each other.

Posted by: Corey Alexander | January 2, 2013

Tantra — A Short Definition

Many people have offered their definition of tantric sex (and they’re not wrong). Here is mine.

Sex is not tantric of itself. (Neo-tantra is neither.) Tantra is a quality that lives inside each of us. Tantra is the attitude and consciousness that we can bring to each moment (whether we’re sexing or dancing or texting).

Being tantric is living our divine nature at the surface of our expression. It is an acceptance of what is, as well as an acceptance of the truth that is each moment. Living in tantra is choosing an openness to life that weaves into every action, thought and emotion.

Tantra is not imparted, rather it is awakened in our heart, similar to the way one candle lights another — an awakening of our own deep knowing. Another way to speak about this is that we all know intuitively that the spark of the Divine is inside us. The task, or Divine invitation, is to feel and express this truth at our surface. So when we bring tantra to sexing, it’s now tantric sex!

Developing a relationship to Source is not about who I am (my personality), but what I am. I am an eternal soul. And it’s not as much about what I do as much as how I choose to do it. Tantra accepts all.

Some useful questions to help me align with what I am in my essence are the following: Does this intention align me with my divine nature? Does this action serve or harm others? Am I choosing to open or close my heart? My understanding continues to grow as I examine my choices and see the effect of grace in my life. Understanding has a “leavening” effect in my life and in my choices of expression.

By the way, I certainly do not mean to imply that only being loving and “nice” is an acceptable expression of love. Tantra welcomes freedom of play in the shadow realms, too. We can feel connection, power, excitement and arousal from playing on the edge of social and self-imposed norms. We don’t always have to be the ‘nice girl’ or the ‘good boy’ in order to please our inner judge. In fact, other parts of us may be thrilled when the inner judge is in recess, so to speak!

I’m not different from anyone else, and so what I believe and accept about myself, I also accept about others. To the extent that I see myself as an eternal soul, I see all people in true fellowship with me. As I notice my own shortcomings I can accept that nobody’s perfect. This perspective helps me grow in compassion for myself and for others. Tantra respects the sovereignty of the individual and allows consciousness to unfold according to each person’s own need and in their own time. We all share a common creator and a common home and perhaps a common destiny. Namaste-ji.

Posted by: Corey Alexander | December 24, 2012

Killing a Deer, Honoring a Woman

I killed a deer once. I do not treat or reflect on this act lightly. In fact, it is one of the most profound acts I know of. We all “take” life in order to live. Whether or not we did the actual killing ourselves, a life was taken on our behalf every time we eat food. I believe our role is not to feel ashamed or to shrink from living, but rather to live in gratitude and to have our existence mean something. Our obligation to the lives that were given up on our behalf is to contribute / add value to the world – to increase the light and love in the world for our fellow travelers.

I begin with this concept to help illustrate how I feel about my woman. She is giving me her most precious possession – her life. She could be doing any number of activities with any number of people, yet she has chosen to spend her time with me. She has chosen me to love. Time that any of us spend doing anything is not ever recovered sometime later. Our youth (and every human age) once spent, does not return. We typically don’t know how much time we have until our end arrives!

In the Native American tradition (in which I’ve been deeply immersed) the hunter earnestly prays for the arrival of an animal that is willing to sacrifice it’s life in order for the hunter’s people to live. The hunter tries to be worthy of his prey and to offer respect to the slain animal’s spirit. This is both to respect himself and to assure that other animals will view him and his requests kindly. The hunter is keenly aware that without the ongoing gifts of animals offering their lives, his people would perish.

I feel an obligation when I eat food that my life be worthy of the land and beings that contributed their life energy to me. Likewise, I want to live my life in such a way as to honor my woman’s great love, which is freely given. She is not a draftee, but has volunteered to serve as my companion. She gives me innumerable gifts of time, consideration and caring. I want my actions to honor her, and I want to respect the gifts I receive from her.  I want her to feel valued by me.

For example, when I communicate with her in person I want her to feel heard and validated. She also deserves “good phone,” that is good communication over the phone, as much as she deserves my communication in any form. So when I call her, I give her my love, presence and attention, as if I were standing physically in front of her. As for physical communication, when I hold and touch her, it is not to take from her, but rather to co-create a beautiful experience together. So I notice what’s important to her and what lights her up and I give her what she needs. Sometimes that’s different than what she may have imagined she wanted. Sometimes I mis-read her and I adjust. Sometimes she is happily surprised by my offering. I am present and compassionate in my touch. I feel into her body whenever I caress her.

I want to lighten her heart by being a good companion for her. At the end of her time on earth I want my woman to say to herself: “I did well by choosing to be with him.”

Posted by: Corey Alexander | October 31, 2012

The Beauty of Older Women radio interview

You are welcome to click here which brings you to webtalkradio and enter “loving older women” into the search bar to pull up the show (I welcome your comments):

webtalkradio.net/2012/10/29/sex-and-happiness-loving-older-women-and-academia-expands-to-new-modalities/

Posted by: Corey Alexander | May 2, 2012

Girlfriend Lessons from Working with Horses

Disclaimer: Much of this article will not make sense or might seem disrespectful unless the reader is familiar with the terms and techniques of “Natural Horsemanship”.

Your girlfriend should look to you for leadership. Leading is much deeper than just having her follow you around. The leadership I’m talking about is clarity, wisdom and certainty of direction. Show her that your love is constant and unwavering and she will “hook on”.

I’ve learned that I do not ever “fix” or “correct” my girlfriend. I’ll never gain ground by “bossing” her around. If I just direct her she’ll “correct” herself as needed in order to more fully embody her core essence.

I try not to play win/lose with her because she is stronger in many ways. She understands comfort and lack of comfort. She already knows how to “go”. But, to “go” she needs to be able to trust that I will not be moved off my center.

I don’t try and sneak a ride on her. If I feel my own commitment and depth she’ll feel it too. I must give her my direction when we’re together otherwise she’ll look for her own guidance. That being said, don’t just bulldoze through life. Don’t ever “ambush” her. You must have an awareness of her and a sensitivity of her so she “gets” where you’re going.

To stop movement; don’t pull on her, rather change the rhythm in your hands. She should trot when you change rhythm in your hips. When your feel changes to “don’t go” she needs to find her stillness. When your woman is still she should be feeling you, so that if something goes awry she will look to you for security.

When she takes a “jab” at me I can show her my stable presence. When she surrenders into trust I don’t bother her anymore. I look for the smallest change and the slightest try. As long as she moves toward her heart space – I’m alright with it. And I always reward the “try”.

Don’t make her do anything, get her ready to do it. Come to her with openness, freedom and love. The correct order is; first her mind, then her lips, then the mind and the lips. Her yoni is not an issue. Her heart is the issue. When her heart is right her yoni will be right. When a woman orgasms she is releasing deep tension. (It is beyond lick and chew.)

My job as a man is to get my woman ready to do what she has to do (trust and surrender) and she will do the doing. I want my idea to become her idea. I know we did the right thing if today I can do less with her than we did the day before. Praise her, pet her, rub her neck. Do NOT pat her! (Petting yes, patting no.)

When she tries; leave her alone. Don’t be critical of your woman, be particular. Before asking favors, get her attention. You must be more interesting to her than whatever else is in her world while you are together.

Don’t jerk on her head; let her run into the end of the (metaphorical) “rope” on her own, but do make sure there is an end to the “rope”. What I mean by this is to make your boundaries real and consistent otherwise she’ll never trust you (and perhaps with good reason).

When she’s rearing up; try not to do too much, let her come back to earth. Let the woman work through her trouble. Sometimes she has to work at the wrong thing for a while. Don’t start something unless you can come out the other side. Have a picture in your mind what you want her body to do. (I don’t advise using spurs in any instance.)

Your woman is the one that has the first trouble (got scared, bothered, etc.) then you get to feel it too. The more you help her; the better she’ll get. It’s your responsibility to help her. Don’t have both of you bothered at the same time.

When my woman gets frustrated she needs me to be at peace. Before I ride her I get her to be with me mentally. I keep my breath full and my body strong. I keep my attention present with her and no matter what she does – I offer her love. My only options are fear or mastery (of myself).

To build trust, have her work at something that she doesn’t think she can do (like be turned down for an invitation of time together or crossing some other small obstacle). Let her work through whatever behavior she comes up with. Give her patience with respect. Build trust with an easy obstacle like returning her calls at your convenience rather than allowing them to interrupt the flow of your workday. Don’t draw on her nose (like phoning her back) while she’s crossing the obstacle for you. If every time she gets bothered you ease off it teaches her that your edge will move according to her whim. She won’t get over being bothered without working through it. Expose her when she can find her way. Don’t make her afraid (that you are abandoning her). She can get afraid and that’s okay. Allow her to see she can handle it which will build her confidence.

Remember that she will offer you truth. Align your life with your own truth and purpose; demonstrate your masculine clarity, direction, integrity and presence. Always remember that you are not here to please her. You are here to pervade the world (including her) with fearless consciousness. Act with impeccability at all times.

Posted by: Corey Alexander | December 30, 2011

How Deep Can I Glow?

Most people are accepting of hands-on energetic touch such as Reiki as a valid healing modality. We often expect to feel energy exchange in our bodies during a regular massage or Rolfing session. It is pretty obvious that our energy doesn’t end at our skin.

If we accept and understand that energy is transmitted from our fingertips then it should be easy to see that energy is transmitted by touch with other parts of our bodies as well. This holds very true during lovemaking.

When a man is making love he can imagine and intend that his love reach the woman’s heart. A woman can imagine and invite her man’s essence up to her heart and beyond. Allow your energy and awareness to grow big. Become conscious of more than your own physical sensations and include your partner’s body and emotional state in your awareness. Tune into her and sense what she is experiencing and what would delight her. Isn’t energetics what transforms sex into lovemaking anyway?

I believe that the energy exchange takes place without our conscious volition, but with intention it is much more of a factor. This intentional sexual energetic adds a powerful dimension to making love. One way to do this is to circulate your life force around the “micro-cosmic orbit”. This is accomplished as he sends desire / love / power / energy out of his genitals and she breathes the energy into her and pulls it as light or sensation or intention up to her heart or to the crown (top) of her head. She then cycles the energy back to his heart or crown and he brings it down to his genitals in the same fashion. It continues to be sent around this circle while building in intensity. This can happen with or without a lot of physical movement and with or without the man’s erection.

Think about the Reiki example again. In Reiki we transmit healing energy out of our hands. Certainly our genitals can transmit energetics as well. My woman can always tell when I am consciously transmitting energy during lovemaking. Granted any energetic skill grows with practice, but it is as simple as visualizing your love reaching her heart. Just as you would visualize gold or white healing light extending from your fingers the same can be done with your penis. Allow your consciousness, your very being, to expand and merge completely with your lover. Dissolve your whole awareness into love itself.

Feel deeply of yourself and your personal power. Feel the truth of who and what you are. This is what you’re bringing forth with your presence and your breath. This is what you’ll enter your woman with. Spending time in a solo practice before meeting your lover is very helpful. Connect with the energy source deep within you. Prepare to touch your lover’s body while transmitting love and light. Maintain your own sense of power and alignment in your body as the experience unfolds.

Remember that your partner wants to feel your essence and love in her body. She wants to feel your consciousness expand and penetrate her completely (physically, emotionally and spiritually). The woman’s fulfillment comes from receiving the man in utter surrender. So keep asking yourself “How deep can I glow?”

Posted by: Corey Alexander | December 22, 2011

Become an Expert in Loving Your Woman

Do you want the relationship of your dreams? Do you want you and your partner to be deeply happy with each other? Do you want your life to be guided and moved by love? A good way to start is to become an expert in loving your woman.

Not an expert on any woman or all women, but this woman that you call yours. One very useful step is to commit to a ten-day experiment in loving your woman. (You can do this without telling her.) You will certainly find out more about your own relationship weaknesses and what truly inspires you about being with her.

When you’re not “getting” what you want from your woman, try giving her what she wants from you. First you must know what she wants. If she hasn’t told you lately or if your memory is fuzzy just ask her. Also think of the times that she was really happy with you and recall the way you were treating her then. By paying closer attention to her in this ten-day exercise you will also gain greater understanding and appreciation of your woman.

Some general principles to follow as part of the exercise are as follows:

Presence; find your center and give her your attention.

Connection; make sure she feels love flowing between you both.

Slow down; go slow enough to really see her. Marvel at the miracle in front of you. Pay attention to what moves her.

Kindness; be soft with your energy and be thoughtful toward her.

Touch her; affection gives her a direct transmission that you are here and you want her.

Assume the best intentions; stay positive with words and gestures.

Acknowledge her; compliment her, smile when you look at her.

Giving; determine what will make her life more wonderful in this moment and give that to her.

Remind yourself whenever she is off-center or just out-of-sorts or that all is not right in her world then it is partly your job to make it right. Remind yourself that you are NOT the most important person in the room – SHE IS!

When you feel like speaking the truth about something that bugs you about her. Remind yourself that telling the truth is not so much about telling someone your judgments about them but it is really about being honest with yourself. Answer for yourself – What are your true motivations for the life you’re in? What do you really believe about yourself and why do you act the way you do?

I’m sure that you will modify this program to fit for you. Give it ten days and let me know how it works for you. No one is telling you to stop treating her like this once the ten days are up either!

Posted by: Corey Alexander | October 24, 2011

My Woman’s Feelings When I Notice Another Woman

After my recent article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head” the question was raised:  How do you handle your current woman’s feelings when you obviously notice another woman?

The best advice I can offer is to be really with your woman when you’re with her. Give her your 100% when it is your time to be together. Be transparent with how you feel and what’s “up” with you. Let her know how important she is to you. Find out her “love language” (see book by Gary Chapman) and give affection in her preferred way.

More than anything else that you can give, your woman wants your presence most of all. When my head is turned momentarily my woman is secure in knowing that I am deeply in love with her and my appreciation of another’s beauty will not affect my want and desire for her. She is secure in knowing that she is the true object of my affection.

She knows the internal process that happens with me at those moments because I have shared that with her. (See my previous article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head.) She feels the renewal and the life that I bring to her because I am alive and optimistic and that she is my chosen one. She has seen my integrity proven time and again. She knows that she is my clear choice as a woman.

We also re-orient to our love often. (E.g. through words, affectionate touch, small gifts and by connecting in a brief, but meaningful way at transitions.) We try to start every day with some form of connecting in love. We are honest with the truth in our bodies. What I mean is that when I’m aroused my lover knows and when I am feeling conservative with my energy I’ll communicate that to her, too. This supports our ability to be true partners with each other.

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