My much-asked-for article on ejaculation choice techniques is presented here as a more general article on tantric sex. There is a lot to know and practice and much has already been written elsewhere; I will only offer enough for a person to begin transforming lovemaking into a tantric journey. For instruction in specific methods such as “the pull”, the press”, the “PC squeeze”, etc. I recommend personal instruction at a tantra class or privately with a tantric practitioner (daka or dakini) in your area.
Solo practice (white tantra) is the place to begin in order to prepare your body for running bigger energy. Practice breathing with complete and full inhalations and with complete and full exhalations. Briefly hold the breath at the end of each inhalation and at the end of each exhalation. In addition to other benefits; you are developing your felt sense of your own body and where your energy begins and ends as you’re increasing your capacity to hold and run energy in your body.
Come to your partner grounded and clear in your purpose for being together. You may enjoy sitting together in silence, gazing in each other’s eyes, adding a breath practice if you wish. When ready; you could speak to each other of your intention for this time together. Remember that, as a man, you are bringing her the gift of your centered presence and focused attention. Often it is helpful to share with her in the beginning if you do not intend to ejaculate (or “fountain” as we say) during this time together.
You will naturally develop your own pace and style. Think harmonization of your energies. Think slow sensitivity over stimulation. Think rocking rather than thrusting. You are consciously maintaining connection and depth of feeling with each other. If you are having trouble with over-stimulation in your genitals and “racing ahead” of her to the familiar finish line of ejaculation a self-imposed “speed limit” may be helpful. Just make your movements slower. You may ask your partner to help with a gentle reminder (like tapping her fingertips on your heart or using gentle words inviting you to look in her eyes and feel of her heart) to bring your focus into your center again.
My experience with ejaculation choice is that keeping a soft, relaxed belly and allowing the genital sensations to flood into my entire body is as effective as anything else. Having my relaxed attention on my whole body also better allows me to feel my centeredness while simultaneously being attentive to my woman.
Another wonderful thing is to simply pause for stillness. You’ll lose style points for saying something coarse like: “stop, I can’t take it!” A more connection-building way is to say something like: “let’s be still so we can really feel each other”. Then feel of yourself, look in her eyes and accept the love of her heart into your heart (as her heart energy extends into mine we call it a “heart-on”).
Using full, deep breaths as arousal gets more intense is good for each partner. For the man it allows him to feel his arousal into more of his body and diffuse the need for genital release. For the woman it helps call her orgasm to her. Breathe the arousal energy up to the crown of your head to feel it in your whole being and let it transform your consciousness.
Many people find a “1 – 10 scale” helpful (1 being not aroused and 10 being going over the edge into ejaculation). You may need to bring into play all of these techniques I’ve mentioned in order to maintain arousal at a 4 or 5 and with practice you can run your “juice” at a higher level with greater control. There is a vast world of pleasure between 7 and 10 on this scale and too often men go from 6 to 10 very quickly. Communicate with your woman beforehand and in the moment so she can be a true partner in this journey.
What about “blue balls”? I believe this comes from stuck energy in the genitals due to allowing too much energy to remain in this area during arousal. To alleviate the discomfort I simply breathe the energy up to the crown of my head. Remember to pull the energy up with the breath. Usually 3 – 5 powerful breaths are all it takes for me. (Of course, you should absolutely consult a medical professional for any persistent discomfort.)
To deeply feel each other’s love you may run an energetic cycle of the erotic charge through your bodies (much like completing an electrical circuit). Imagine the feeling and charge from your lingam (penis) flowing into her yoni (vagina); she then pulls this feeling/charge up to her heart and sends it back to your heart, which you allow to flow down to your lingam again. Keep this circle of energy going and see how the feeling of intimate communion magnifies. This can be exquisite with or without physical penetration and with or without movement.
Improved mechanics without the consciousness is not tantra; it’s just better sex. The consciousness you approach lovemaking with is more important than technique and certainly there should be room for a wide range of sexual expression – from light to dark. Sacred energy exchange is like music that can be played at different volumes. The main thing is that we are breaking old habits, but the rewards are great and once you’ve experienced what lies beyond this obstacle I doubt you’ll go back to what was once considered normal. Remember that your body wants to relax into love. As you develop awareness of your own body your experience will deepen and become richer. Making love will become exactly that – “making love”. Make sex a “Sacred Energy eXchange” and a priority in your life. Consider making calendar appointments (sacred dates) for lovemaking and keep them. How often does your beloved deserve to be held and “loved up” in sacred communion? How often do you?