How do you treat a woman once she decides to share her time with you? Ask yourself, “Who is the most important person in the room?” You had better have answered “She is!” Don’t we want to give this special person — who treats us with such consideration and kindness — all that she deserves?
Part of my success with women is due to my comparing favorably with their previous experiences. Most men set a low bar and it’s easy for me to look good by comparison. Example: when you’re creating a meal together at home look for ways to contribute without being prompted. We’re talking the See-Do principle (see it = do it). If it’s her house, respect the way she wants things done. If you only wash one side of your dinner plates at home and she wants the bottoms washed also – wash the bottoms without complaint. (Silly, but I heard this true example!)
One of the common refrains that I hear from women talking about their men is: “If he knew how to approach me, I would open like a flower.” Start by softening your voice. Smile when you look at her. Open your heart and get that this person wants to enjoy being with you, and wants you to enjoy being with her. Pause. Appreciate. Cherish. Remember that she volunteered for the position of your girlfriend; don’t treat her like a draftee!
She would love to feel love from you all the time, so don’t be focused too closely on goals – like sex or getting to the restaurant on time. Orient to the present time; slow yourself down enough to feel honored to be in her presence; let a sense of gratitude and appreciation guide every action and the tone of voice with which you speak to her. Take your time. Dance with her energy. Smile with her. Your thoughts of work and other tasks can wait. Allow her to fill your being with present time light and wonder.
Be always thinking: “Is there some small action I can do to remind her that she is special to me, and that I think of her fondly and often?” The relationship is more likely to flourish if you’re thinking, “What am I bringing?” vs. “What am I getting?” Find out what form of giving makes her feel most appreciated or loved, and make that your primary “love language”, whether verbal praise, spending time with her, acts of service, gift-giving, touch etc. You’re a man, find this out and then deliver.
There are myriad things that require very little money or time. Small actions made by you are beautiful demonstrations of love for her. Realize that she notices more details than you probably ever will. For instance, I’m sure she puts serious thought into what she is wearing when she meets you (remember to find some aspect of that to compliment right away upon meeting).
Compliment her: praise is food for a woman, the more specific the better e.g. “I enjoy the way your eyes light up when you talk about…” is better than “You’re pretty.” She wants to feel that you pay attention to details, in general, and to her in particular.
Offer your body as protection: offer her warmth when she’s cold, a steady arm when she’s unbalanced, shielding when she’s exposed to danger. Hold doors open for her.
When she is stressed, offer to take some of her burden and help her relax. This can take many forms. For example, drawing a bath for her, allowing her some time to talk with you, or physically helping her with some of her tasks. You may find that allowing her, in everyday life, the space to be in her feminine role of being “cared for” will result in more space for you to occupy the masculine role of “caring for” her. Her natural desire to care for you will also be expressed, but in a feminine way. One man and one woman is a great recipe for sexual attraction! This isn’t “wimping-down” or feminizing your behavior. On the contrary, it’s being a genuine and confident guy who is considerate, helpful and patient with his woman.
When she’s off her center, or doubting your feelings for her, take her in your embrace so she can immediately feel your love for her – if that’s what you sense would most help her in the moment. Perhaps she would be better served by humor or by simply sitting with her and holding her hand or something entirely different. It is up to you to feel your love for her, intuit what she needs, and give it to her.
Remember to offer her your grounded presence. While offering empathy and deep listening, don’t allow her wild emotions to spin you into her vortex of feelings. You need to be able to handle her angry and fiery side without taking any of it personally or withdrawing. Be a guy who can hear criticism and not collapse into defensiveness. Stand up to her mood-storm. Have enough self assurance to hold on to the perspectives that “this too shall pass” and “I choose love no matter what.”
Kiss her often (neck, shoulders, hands are great places to kiss her). In lovemaking, penetrate her genitally only when she has taken you into her heart, and her body says “Now!” This is not a “taming” of your animal instinct, but simply a sensitivity to her – an attitude and honoring of her flow of love. You are allowing her to receive you and celebrate a common desire with you. You’re staying attentive to her body cues and energy, and responding, but slowing down your movements. This will allow her time to feel, absorb and build her own passion.
Make decisions: Tell her what you want and ask her how your statement “lands.” For example, “I am really interested in Thai food this evening. Would you be okay with that?” This will sound better to her than, “Where do you want to go, honey?” By listening to what she says you are not giving up your masculinity. Just give her consideration and take her needs into account.
Lastly, give “good phone.” If your woman is like most, she will thrive with repeated confirmation (by word and deed) that the love connection is alive and well. Be conscious of your tone of voice, and be really present. Better to say, “Sweetie, I only have five minutes to talk, and I’m yours for that long,” and be totally attentive to her for 5 minutes before transitioning out of the conversation, than to try and listen to her for 30 minutes while trying to handle another task and then abruptly say, “Babe, I just gotta go. Bye.”
Whether you are with a woman for two weeks or 20 plus years, your woman probably deserves your “upping your game.” Relationship is a contact sport. Tag! You’re it!